Home

The Joy of Vacuuming

The latest Dyson model is called the Root Cyclone™. But phallic innuendo aside, what exactly is it about hoovering that’s so satisfying?  

The Dyson Root⁸Cyclone™ not only gives constant suction, but has even higher suction power...  

I did not become a hooverer, or have hoovering thrust upon me. I was born to it. In fact I have been accused of having a fetish, of being a hoovering obsessive. I must admit there’s nothing I like more (well, almost nothing, apart from squeezing spots and sucking out the filling from mince pies) than having a good once over with the vacuum cleaner (or an American president). While some people watch soaps or take drugs, I’ve come to derive instant, brainless gratification from sucking, thrusting, shoving, sweeping and stroking my way to cleanliness about the house without actually getting my hands dirty. I suppose you could say it has become a compulsive disorder for me.

Light to use: The motor and wheel geometry keeps the weight off the DC07 body so it is light to operate. At 45°, DC07 is balanced to minimise the strain on the user's arm and back.  

I know it sounds strange but the sight of a newly-hoovered carpet, the kind it would be a tragedy to walk on, its fibres plump and erect, is a never-ending source of fascination for me. But it’s hard to say why such a mundane activity has always prompted such powerful emotions. Maybe it’s just because I like things to be clean, although if that really was the case I would be as enthusiastic about the washing up or cleaning the bathroom (and I can’t say I find it quite so fulfilling to scrub the bath or buff up my stainless steel pans). Maybe it’s because I like the word “upright” – but then I’d have the same obsession about pianos.

The ready-to-go hose/wand stretches to 6 times its own length - no other upright can clean to the top of the stairs so easily.

It has been suggested that I should include hoovering in the hobbies and interests section on my CV. Perhaps this would assist me in the pursuit of my ideal job as hooverer in chief at Buckingham Palace. Many’s the time I’ve fantasised about all that internal acreage, all the carpets, all the potential dust. It has always been comforting to me that hoovering is forever a wholly working class occupation.

Brett Anderson:

75% David Bowie

20% Shake 'n' Vac Woman

5% Norman Wisdom

If asked to name any vital influences in my development as a hoovering devotee, I would of course have to cite the high priestess of hoovering excellence, the kinky hip-wiggling, head-shaking, arse-slapping Brett Anderson of the hoovering world, she who was the Shake ‘n’ Vac woman on the telly in days of yore. So influential was this woman in my life that, bereft of Shake ‘n’ Vac in our household, I would improvise with talcum powder and gyrate while hoovering it up again. The sight of a hoovering Freddy Mercury, clad in kinky miniskirt and suspenders in Queen’s I Want to Break Free video, also had a powerful affect on me.

Fetishes: Queen's I Want to Break Free Video

I hoover everything, not just carpets and floors. The little brush attachments you get are great for picking up dust on the television and other electrical appliances, as well as skirting boards, chairs and tables, not to mention the hoover itself… I even used to hoover the bed and the bath when I once lived with a particularly hairy man (he missed me when we split up), and got one hell of a kick out of ridding my present flat of the stench bequeathed by the previous tenant’s cigarettes, ingrained not only in the carpet, curtains and wallpaper, but even clinging to the inside of the lampshade.  

Auto-adjusting cleaner head: adjusts automatically to the right height setting for the floor. No need to bend down to change it. Prevents carpet wear from cleaners with manual settings if you forget to adjust the dials and switches.  

What revolutionised my already vigorous vac action in more ways than one, though, was the Dyson, the Rolls Royce of the carpet-cleaning world. In addition to an improved performance through bag-less suction, what’s absolutely fascinating is the see-through pipe and bin you get, so you can see exactly what you’ve sucked up and how filthy we all really are. I’d always wanted to see what it must be like inside a hoover and, like in those plays within plays that show you what's happening behind the scenes, or magicians who show you how the trick’s done, I can now see exactly what’s going on: the detritus of human existence, dead skin cells, hair, fluff, cake crumbs, the stuff we habitually shed everywhere. They’re also good for finding that hair slide or earring you’ve just heard rattle up the pipe, or the vital piece of Ikea SKUM wall unit your other half has just laid out on the floor. It’s a perverse kind of joy seeing it all build up inside, watching flies, spiders and other insects whizz and slide around, as if down wormholes or a chute at a swimming pool.  

Clear bin™

• You can see how well the Dyson works
• You can enjoy watching it
• You can always tell when it's full
• It is easy to empty

While I abhor feng shui, "detox", “de-cluttering” and other such phenomena enforced on us all by self-appointed “experts” and  “life coaches” in order to make the rest of us feel inadequate, I would however like to offer up a psychological explanation of my “hooverphilia”. Quite simply, my hoover is the cheapest therapist I’ve ever had. I always feel better after hoovering than I did before, with a desire to do the same inside myself, in my body and mind. If only we could all just hoover away all the negativity, neuroses and bad memories. How much simpler life would be.

As it is, hoovering is the closest to magic I’m ever likely to get. In addition to some of my best ideas coming to me when I am hoovering, like when I’m showering in the morning, it’s also about making bad things disappear. Instant results. And I have to do something with all the cake crumbs.

The only thing about hoovering though, is that it makes such a lot of noise. Never mind a bagless hoover, the real achievement on a Nobel scale would be to invent the silent hoover. 

Now, there’s an idea…

© Agnetha 2002

 Home